


if it's you and me (that would be alright)

by vanillaloey



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romance, a huge wave of nostalgia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:40:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28193364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanillaloey/pseuds/vanillaloey
Summary: hello, sehun.good bye.i love you.— these are the exact words Jongdae sent to his childhood best friend, Sehun. up until now, he still wonders what the latter's reaction was towards his letter.
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Oh Sehun
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44
Collections: Calm Before The Storm FicFest Round 1





	if it's you and me (that would be alright)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first time joining a fic fest, so I'm really nervous and excited at the same time about this ;(
> 
> I'd like to thank the mods for being patient and understanding throughout the writing phase.
> 
> To my beta reader friends, you know who you are, thank you for the encouragement and for helping me with this fic!! I really enjoyed talking to you about how the story will go; I also love your comments on certain scenes!! I love you all <3
> 
> To the prompter, thank you for this prompt! I hope I gave justice to it ;( I really enjoyed writing for it; I hope you'll love it as much as I loved writing it <3
> 
> To Sechen community, this is for you all! <3
> 
> PROMPT #CS088: Even after 10 years with no communication with each other, Jongdae still wonders what was Sehun's reaction to the last message he sent to his best friend. What is the message? "Hey, goodbye, and I love you."

The bus ride took longer than usual, much to Jongdae's dismay. Well, he should've gotten used to it by now since it's only a week before Christmas arrives and there are still a lot of people queuing at the bus station, waiting for their ride going to their respective provinces and hometown. But the dizziness he felt and the stiffness of his neck along the way told him otherwise; still, he wouldn't trade this for piled-up paperwork and overtime in the office, especially in times like this—the holiday season. 

It was an 8-hour drive going to his hometown, where he spent most of his childhood and teenage days. Although his life now is in the city, Jongdae never missed a Christmas holiday with his family. That's why the exhaustion and sleepiness he felt along the way are nothing compared to the excitement that's been basking on his chest since the start of December.

He walked out of the bus terminal with a backpack hanging on his shoulders and a small duffel bag on his right hands. There are only a few people going in the same direction as him, as it's only just 6 in the morning (although he's supposed to arrive earlier, but since the bus terminal back in the city was jam packed, his bus arrived late). 

The sun is already peaking, but the cold holiday breeze is still caressing him. It's also colder here than in the city, most probably because there are still a lot of trees plus the fact that their place is a mountain resort province. Everything is still the same when he went home last year, which is kind of a good thing for him, because it only means he didn't miss anything new. 

After resting for a bit at a fast food restaurant just beside the bus terminal, which had a nice hot chocolate, by the way, he finally took a cab going to their village. He just took a nap throughout the ride, and before he knew it, the cab driver was already waking him up, saying that they had arrived. 

"Oh, thank you," He covered his mouth to hide a yawn. He fished through his pocket for his wallet then proceeded to give the payment. "Keep the change."

His parents are both early risers, that's why when he stepped in front of their gate, he could see them having coffee together at the small table on their front porch. 

Their house still looked the same; quaint and small, their exteriors are painted with a light shade of yellow. Though of course there are already decorations hanging on their door and window, as well as Christmas lights, courtesy of his mom. 

"Dae!" His mom walked towards him the moment he opened their gate. "How was the ride?"

Jongdae flashed a small, tired smile as he handed the duffel bag to his mom. "Exhausting. Just glad that it's over."

"Well, you go ahead inside and get some proper sleep." He nodded and walked towards his dad to give him a peck on his cheek before going inside their house. 

"Is Jongin here?" He asked as he sat down on their couch. 

"Yeah, they're still asleep," His mom replied softly before going back outside to finish her breakfast. 

Jongin is his younger brother who's happily committed to his 4-year boyfriend, Kyungsoo. The couple lives in a town just 2 hours away from their parents' house. The two are both working as an accountant at a rural bank, and are enjoying their simple life with their two dogs. They also go travelling occasionally, something that Jongdae also wanted, but he's always filled with office work so he does not have the time to do so. 

Jongdae glanced at his brother's bedroom door and smiled a little. It's nice that they'll be complete again this year, because last year, the two celebrated Christmas at Kyungsoo's family.

He then went straight to his room, which was neater than his place back in the city. His mom never fails to clean his niche even if he's not around all the time, though he always tells her not to do it a lot and just take a rest. 

He changed into a comfortable old college shirt from his cabinet, which surprisingly still fits him, before settling down to his bed. He checked his phone to reply to his friend-slash-officemate, Chanyeol, who’s asking if he already arrived home. The latter also sent him a photo of their get-together in a karaoke bar last night with their other friends, Junmyeon, Minseok, and Yixing. 

Locking his phone then placing it on his bedside table, he curled up in a ball as he wrapped himself in his blanket, letting the sleepiness take over him. 

It’s warm and peaceful and comfortable. Nothing quite like what he has back in the city.

_Because it’s home._

He woke up to the sound of clinking utensils from their dining room. It’s already past lunchtime and Jongdae could feel his stomach growl out of hunger. When he went downstairs, he saw the couple doing the dishes. Jongin’s the one washing them and Kyungsoo’s drying them. 

“Oh, you’re awake.”

Jongdae just shrugged and walked towards the two to give them a side hug. “How are you two?”

“Nothing new. Though we’re planning to go on a trip next year… to Taiwan, maybe? You can join us if you want.”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes at his boyfriend before turning to Jongdae. “He chose to go there because he just wanted to get some authentic _Xiao Long Bao_.”

“Hey, you said you also wanted to try some noodles,” Jongin replied in defense, making Jongdae laugh. Jongin’s a very handsome man, who looks really tough and all, but goes really soft for Kyungsoo.

“Those are nice reasons, though. Go book the tickets.” 

“How about you, how’s work?” Kyungsoo asked as he handed Jongdae a clean plate and cutlery. Jongdae’s really fond of Kyungsoo as the latter would scream of calmness and peace, a lot more mature, which is the opposite of Jongin. It amuses Jongdae how the universe made these two a couple when they’re nothing alike. 

“Well, it gets demanding, but it pays well so…” Jongdae settled on his seat and then got himself some seafood dish that Kyungsoo cooked for them. The latter loves to cook for Jongin’s family so he would do so every time he’s there with his boyfriend. 

“By the way, mom told me we should go grocery shopping tomorrow.” Jongin told him after they finished their chore.

“Oh, sure.” It’s only the 23rd tomorrow, and it’s the only best time for late grocery shopping since stores would be crowded by the 24th. “By the way, Soo, this is amazing.”

Kyungsoo smiled widely, showing his heart-shaped lips. “Thank you.”

  
The afternoon went uneventful for him. Everyone was not at home; they invited him to go out but he declined and said he’d love to get more rest and will just roam around their town by tomorrow. Jongin and Kyungsoo went to the town mall just a few minutes away to have some last-minute gift shopping, while his parents were invited to a small gathering by a family friend. 

So as someone who prefers to stay home, he just got up from his bed and started rearranging his stuff in his room. He also wanted to bring some books with him when he goes back to the city. He hasn’t done this in years, but he still finds it therapeutic, especially that he doesn’t have a lot of things in his apartment. 

He went through his drawers and shelves where he saw his untouched stuff from his high school and college days. Tanned books and old notebooks were piled up on the last row of his wooden bookshelf. There were also several poetry book collections which he bought using his savings from his high school allowance. He remembered the times he spent on thrift book shops after his classes just to dig into the cheap books, letting his luck determine if he’ll be able to spot a nice and cheap poetry book. 

When he found his fondness for reading and poetry, he also started having fondness for writing poetry and creative fiction. And although it’s not his current career field, the love for literature and art remains in him.

That reminded him of something that hides in the drawer below his bed. 

He grabbed a small old Kraft box which he wrapped with colored paper back in his senior high school year. That’s also the year where he started collecting handwritten letters from his friends and classmates, and the small box served as their storage. Soon after, it also became a niche for his handwritten poems and short essays he used to write during their free period. 

Most of the letters were just about his classmates telling him they’ll miss him and that he wished him well for college. There’s also an old note from his favorite seatmate, the extrovert Byun Baekhyun, who also became one of his closest friends back in the days. He has no news of him now, although Seulgi, another former high school classmate who became his schoolmate in college told him before that Baekhyun pursued his dream course, journalism, in one of the prestigious schools in the city. 

His poems and notes, however, would talk about one-sided love, attraction, and romance. The poems would have failed, cliche metaphors and forced rhymes, making him cringe as he read them one by one. 

All his poems are written on unlined index cards, except for one that’s only written on a folded scratch paper, with lines and writings almost fading. He opened it and suddenly he’s back to the 16-year-old version of himself. 

It’s not a poem nor an essay, rather, it’s a handwritten letter made specifically for one person. 

Sehun Oh. 

It’s only a long-ass scratch about what he wanted to say to him; he gave the neat, shorter version to Sehun after their high school graduation ceremony. 

And so he wonders what was Sehun’s reaction after reading it? Or did he even read it at all? 

He clutched the paper on his hand and pulled it closer to his chest before standing up and went to his window. He could see the three-storey elegant house, that still looks beautiful even after years, in front of theirs, where Sehun and his family lived for years. It has been vacant for almost 10 years now, as the Ohs are now living in the US, although a housekeeper would come from time to time to check on the place. 

Of course he still remembers Sehun’s room on the second floor, that’s basically just in front of his room. Cliche as it may sound, but they used to send messages written on bond paper and they’d flash it through their windows. They used to do it a lot, especially during the times when Sehun’s grounded for making Jongdae ditch classes with him so they could hang out at a pottery store just a couple of blocks away from their high school. They were in a lot of trouble back in the days, mostly because of Sehun, but those were the days when they felt so young and carefree. 

He smiled at the memories lingering inside his mind as he stared at the empty house in front of his eyes. Setting all those feelings aside, as well as the note he gave him, he actually wonders how’s his former best friend now. Life for him must’ve been different, easier now, as he lives his life the way he wanted to at the other side of the world.

He almost bumped his head on his window glass when lights turned on inside the said room. 

_Someone is in the house?_

  
The evening arrived and Jongdae still feels uneasy because of what he saw earlier. As far as he knows, no housekeeper would visit the house during holidays. He witnessed it during the past years of spending the vacation with his family. He also has no news about the Ohs ever since they left the country. So who could that be? 

Well, maybe it’s just a relative… who knows. 

“Ma,” Jongdae started. The family’s gathered in the dining room for dinner. It was Kyungsoo who cooked and prepared the dishes, of course. “Do you know who’s there are the Oh’s?”

“Someone’s there?” Jongin asked as he chewed his food. 

Jongdae nodded slowly. “I guess? I saw someone turn on the lights at one of the rooms.”

Their parents shared a confused look. “I didn’t see anyone earlier this morning before we left.” Mrs. Kim replied. “Maybe a housekeeper, no?”

“Yeah, it could be. I haven’t heard a news that someone from them would come to visit.” Mr. Kim agreed with his wife. 

“Well in case that an Oh is there, then we can invite them over for dinner, maybe. Or at least give them some treats just to welcome them. It’s been quite some time, after all.” Mrs. Kim said softly, making Jongin turn to his brother once again.

“Then let hyung go over theirs so he can check tomorrow. I’m pretty sure he misses them.” 

Jongdae just pursed his lips and shrugged nonchalantly. His parents are unaware of what he did before, it was only Jongin who knew because he saw him feeling sullen after their graduation ceremony. Nevertheless, those are in the past; he has learned to shrug off everything, living his life burying the thoughts and the feelings. 

Or has he, really? 

Well, he felt like questioning himself all over again as he stood in front of Oh’s black-painted gate, fidgeting, as he holds a tupperware filled with spicy beef soup that Jongdae’s family loves to cook. He heard footsteps as soon as he pushed the doorbell, and he swore his heart almost stopped beating upon seeing the person who came out of the house.

He blinked a couple of times as he stared at Sehun, who was looking back at him, surprised as well. 

“J-jongdae?” Sehun’s voice is laced with curiosity. “You’re Jongdae, right? _Jadi?_ ”

Jongdae, though nervous, still managed to flash a small smile to the man in front of him. It’s been too long since he heard that nickname. “Hello, Sehun. I brought some soup. Mama cooked and said to lend you some since we noticed that someone is here,” He explained, not giving Sehun the chance to ask what he’s doing. 

Sehun took the tupperware from Jongdae. “Thank you. Tell Aunt Jangmi I said thanks.”

“Of course,” Jongdae nodded, not knowing what else to say. 

“Uh, do you want to come in?” Sehun asked him. Jongdae noticed a hopeful look in Sehun’s eyes which made him accept the offer. 

“Sure.”  
  
Sehun opened the gate wide open for Jongdae. Eventually the latter followed Sehun inside their living room. Jongdae roamed his eyes around, surprised that the interiors have so many changes already. Ten years ago, everything in their living room screams of vintage, as he remembered that Sehun’s mom had those hand-me-down furniture from Sehun’s grandparents. Now, everything looked modern, minimal. It looks like a place that someone around his age would stay and live in. 

“So… how are you?” Sehun asked him the moment he placed the tupperware in the dining room. 

“I’m good?” It came out as a question instead of a statement. Jongdae still couldn’t process the few minutes that passed that Sehun, his high school best friend, was in front of him. He knew that Sehun’s very attractive even when they were in high school, but time passed and he looked more mature. Jongdae even noticed how tall he had grown and how he looked more buff than before. He couldn’t believe it was the same Sehun who used to ditch classes with him. 

Sehun grinned, a very familiar playful grin, then walked towards Jongdae to give him a nudge in his arm. “Why do you look so awkward? Don’t you miss me? Or wait, have you forgotten about me?” The taller man pouted, causing Jongdae to laugh and slapped Sehun’s arm lightly. 

“Of course, not!” He retorted. “I’m just surprised to see you here, Sese.” 

Little by little, the atmosphere turns lighter. 

“That was not my nickname, though?” Sehun replied playfully, making Jongdae roll his eyes. He can’t believe that Sehun still hates the nickname. 

“Why not, Sese?” Jongdae teased. 

“You know how a high school classmate used to call me that because she said she likes me,” Sehun groaned which Jongdae found really amusing. 

“Yeah, I remember Mina, I think her name? And she used to follow you a lot even in your locker room during PE.” 

“See… you remember, eh?”

Jongdae flashed a smile. “Of course, Sen.”

Of course, he remembers a lot. He remembers everything. 

  
They had to cut their catch up conversation short when the doorbell rang just a few minutes later. Turned out it was Jongin calling Jongdae for lunch. Sehun was delighted to see Jongin as well, as they used to play video games a lot, too. However, Jongin also had other friends in school which he used to hang out with a lot, that’s why he sort of stopped spending time with his brother and Sehun. 

The Kim brothers bid goodbye to Sehun. Jongin gave Jongdae a meaningful look as they walked across the street. 

“What?” Jongdae asked his younger brother. 

“So…?”

“So what?”

“Did you get your reply?” Jongin asked as they stopped in front of their gate. Jongdae bit his lip and shook his head.

“No. But, hey, it doesn’t matter anymore.” Jongdae chuckled and dragged his brother inside the house. 

“Sure,” Jongin replied sarcastically. 

  
Teenage Jongdae would love to spend his afternoon watching movies or basically just roaming around the town. But as soon as he became a corporate slave, he spent his free time getting some sleep and rest. That’s basically what he’s planning to do now until his mom decided to knock on his door.

“JD! Sehun’s downstairs, looking for you!” His mom said over the door. He could hear the excitement and eagerness laced in his mom’s voice. He frowned. What is he doing here?

Still in his baggy shirt, he went downstairs to see Sehun talking to his parents. 

“Are you staying here for good? Or just over the holidays?” Jongdae heard his father asked. His dad’s not a very wordy man, but he remembered him being talkative in front of Sehun, as both of them have fascination for guitar and music. It was Papa Kim who taught Sehun how to play it way back sixth grade.

“I’m planning to stay here for good, but I still need to go back to US after the holidays… to fix some stuff,”

“How about your parents, though?” 

“Well, they plan to stay there for good.” Sehun replied and chuckled a little. Jongdae could sense that Sehun’s getting a little uncomfortable with the questions, that's why he made his way through their living room.

“Let’s go?” Sehun stood up the moment he saw Jongdae. 

“Huh, where?”

“Sehun said he wanted to roam around the town, so we told him you can show him what he missed for years.” His mom patted Sehun’s shoulders and the latter gave her a grin. A lot has changed, maybe, but this childish side of Sehun seems to have stayed with him. 

“Fine, just let me get changed,” Jongdae turned his back to Sehun to get back to his room and get changed. The idea of hanging out with Sehun after years of not seeing each other made him excited. He doesn’t know what will happen to him in the next couple of hours, but all he knew is that he couldn’t wait for it.

Well then, my heart, get your shit together.

  
“So…”

“So?”

“Where are we going?” Jongdae closed their gate before turning to Sehun. The latter has a small smile playing on his lips and shrugged.

“I don’t know, honestly.” The taller admitted. Jongdae looked at him weirdly at first then sighed.

Yeah, right. It figures, since a lot has changed since he left. 

“Let me rephrase, then. Where do you want to go?”

Jongdae watched as Sehun thought about it for a moment, then the latter proceeded to grasp his hand, dragging him along the street.

Well then, my heart, get your shit together.

* * *

  
Every time Jongdae is home for the holidays, he never really has the time to roam around the town. That’s why it feels like he’s out for adventure to rediscover his hometown—most especially the places he used to visit with Sehun.  
  
“Huh, it’s weird that you still remember how to get here,” He thought they would visit their old high school, but Jongdae was surprised when Sehun brought him to the coffee shop called Cafe 1221, located at the town proper. 

“Of course,” Sehun replied casually as he opened the glass door for Jongdae, motioning him to enter first, which the latter did. 

They were greeted by the barista and they gave him a short smile in return. There aren’t a lot of people since it’s idle afternoon hours, but Jongdae likes it because it matches the coziness the cafe exude. The two of them settled at the table just beside the counter. 

“What do you like?” Sehun asked. 

Jongdae pursed his lips. “I haven’t really tried their stuff,” He admitted sheepishly. “But I guess, a hot French Vanilla will do.” 

Sehun flashed him a smile as he stood up. “Yeah, that’s why we’re here.”

“Huh?” Jongdae frowned, confused on what Sehun meant to say.

“Remember in junior year? This cafe was new and you told me you wanted to visit it. But we never really had time to go since we’re busy with school shit.” 

Jongdae blinked. Before he could even reply, Sehun’s already at the counter, ordering their food. 

He shook his head lightly. He couldn’t believe that Sehun would remember that, but he did, and the thought of it was enough to put a smile on his lips. (He hid his smile immediately so that the taller man won’t notice it.)

After a few minutes, Sehun came back holding a tray containing their orders. The taller man placed the hot French Vanilla coffee in front of him along with a slice of cheesecake.

“I didn’t order this…” Jongdae trailed off.

“I know. Consider it as a gift.” Jongdae pouted. It was Sehun who came home from abroad yet he’s the one giving gifts.

“That’s unfair! I even told you in high school that I’ll treat you once we’re old enough to have a job.” Sehun laughed before taking a sip of his Iced Americano. 

“Well, you can still show me around… I’ll consider that as a gift.”

“In case you’re not aware—I mean of course you’re not—but I only come home during holidays, and most of the time I’m just sleeping. So I haven’t really had much of a chance to roam around,” Jongdae retorted. “I don’t even know this cafe has changed so much.”

The two looked around the cafe and noticed the huge changes. Before, there were only, like, 4 to 6 tables available, now it has expanded, since the shop next to it already closed down. Jongdae didn’t know when the clothes store beside the cafe stopped its operation, but he could remember how their high school friends used to gush about it since they sell overruns from boutiques and malls.

“It looks more beautiful, though.” Jongdae added, looking at Sehun.

The dark-haired boy stared back at him with a look that Jongdae cannot fathom. “Yeah, it does.”

Jongdae cleared his throat and looked down at his food. “Where would you like to go next?”

“We can just walk around then just go wherever our feet take us.”

“Eh, that’s exhausting,” Jongdae whined. “We can just list down places then let’s try to visit them today. Wait, don’t you have a car or something?”

“No, I haven’t bought a new one.” Sehun chuckled. “I haven’t really put much thought into getting one since I’m going back to the US after the holidays.”

“Oh,” Jongdae nodded in understanding. “But is it true? That you’re gonna settle down here for good?”

“Yeah, I’m planning to expand the business here. I’m not sure yet, I don’t want to think about it now.”

Well, yeah. It’s the holidays and it’s understandable that Sehun doesn’t want to talk about business. It seems like he’s been put into so much pressure ever since their family migrated abroad. 

Jongdae fished out his memo pad and a pen from his hand bag. “Okay, then. Let’s list down the places you had in mind.”

  
The next few minutes were spent discussing where to spend their day. It’s as if they went back to their grade school days where they bicker and tease each other a lot every time they’re playing or planning some stuff for school activities. Most of the time it’s Sehun who’s suggesting places, since according to Jongdae, he hasn’t been there for 10 years, although Sehun would also ask him where he wanted to go. The shorter man just ignored Sehun’s complaints and just listed down what Sehun wanted. 

The cafe was suddenly filled with jokes and laughter, to the point that the staff had to ask them to tone down their voices.

Jongdae looked at what they'd come up with, the moment they left the cafe. The places they chose are just walking distance from the cafe, so they won’t have to worry about getting a ride.

“Let’s go?” Sehun’s already beside him. “You ready?”

“Of course.”

  
“I miss this place, oh my god,” Jongdae could see how Sehun’s eyes formed into line the moment they stepped into Pot Luck, the pottery shop they used to go every time they ditched school.

“Is Mr. Lee still here?” Sehun asked softly. They walked along the aisle of pots inside the quaint and quiet shop.

“Uhm… he’s gone.” Jongdae said apologetically. He could see how his mood switched from being excited to being sad. 

“Since when?”

Jongdae heaved out a sigh. “Two years ago? I went here to visit him, only to find that one out. It’s his daughter who’s running the business since then.”

Sehun nodded in understanding. “I should’ve gone home to visit him before. He was so close to us.”

Jongdae walked closer to Sehun to give him a soft pat on his shoulder for comfort. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he remembers you, us.” He suddenly chuckled as another memory came into him. “He probably did so well; we’re the only stubborn kids in this town.”

Sehun sighed.. “Yes, we were.”

After a few moments, Rina, Mr. Lee’s daughter went out of the shop’s back office. The petite, brunette girl with an apron on has a surprised look on her face upon seeing the two. “Oh, Jongdae!”

“Hi, Ms. Rina,” Jongdae greeted back. The lady switched her gaze back and forth to the two of them. 

“It’s been a while,” Rina took a hold of Jongdae’s hand. “And who’s this young man beside you? Your boyfriend?”

“Oh no!” Jongdae turned red, avoiding Sehun’s gaze. The taller man, however, just laughed and introduced himself instead. 

“I’m Sehun, Jongdae’s high school best friend. We used to be Mr. Lee’s student. Unofficially.”

“Oh, right! I remember you! Dad used to talk about you and Jongdae and how you spent your afternoons with him instead of in school. I heard you’re living abroad.”

Sehun nodded. “Yes, my family migrated there.”

“Must be nice to live outside this little town.” Ms. Rina sighed dreamily. “Anyway, feel free to stay, okay? You guys want coffee?”

The two declined respectfully, saying that they went to the coffee shop before coming at Pot Luck. 

“Wait, before I forgot, I got you something.” Ms. Rina left the two to get something from the back office and return with two small pots in her hands. “Here.”

Jongdae’s heart swelled as he took a hold of the pot. Those were the pots they made with Mr. Lee when they were giving them pottery lessons. Both pots have ‘Sen’ and ‘Jadi’ engraved. “H-how?”

“Dad kept it for years. He said to give it to you two when you came back here together. He’s been meaning to give those, years back then, but he didn’t have the opportunity to do so,” Ms. Rina flashed a sad smile. “Dad’s really fond of you, you know? He missed you.”

“We miss him, too,” Jongdae said as he wiped the tear that escaped his eye. Sehun noticed it so he wrapped his arm around Jongdae and caressed his arm.

“Thank you, Ms. Rina, we really appreciate it.” Sehun said before glancing at Jongdae.

“It’s my pleasure.”

* * *

  
“You know,” Jongdae started. “I’m actually curious about what your life is like in the US.” They began walking again after their visit at Pot Luck. It was heavy for the both of them so they decided to just casually stroll down the street. 

“Nothing much,” Sehun shrugged. “I went to an Ivy League school, took up business, then after graduation, I started training for the family business. Had few friends, that’s it. I still have lots of local friends whom I talked to a lot on Facetime.”

“I don’t believe you,” Jongdae playfully slapped Sehun’s arm. “I mean, you’re Sehun, and the Sehun I know loves a lot of adventure—which you dragged me into.”

Sehun sighed as he looked straight ahead. “Well it’s hard to enjoy shit when you have so much pressure on your shoulders. I kinda regret following my parents. It wasn’t fun there.”

“They probably just want you to have a better future. I mean look at you now. You’re successful, and professional, and—”

“And handsome.” Sehun butted in, so he gained another soft slap from Jongdae. Jongdae was thankful that the taller man didn’t recognize how his cheeks turned red because of that.

“As I was saying, yeah, you’re where you are now because of the opportunity you had abroad.” Jongdae stopped walking and stood in front of Sehun. “And I’m proud of you, you know?” 

There’s a short silence between them, and amidst the street with people and cars, it seems like there’s an understanding and comfort in the gazes they shared.

Jongdae pinched Sehun’s cheeks before he started walking again.

“Jadi,” Sehun called, making Jongdae face him again. 

“It wasn’t fun there.” Jongdae’s about to say something again, but Sehun beat him to it.

“Because it’s not home. And you’re not there.”

  
Right before the sun sets, they reach their old high school just a couple of streets away from the pottery shop. They stayed at the swing at the park just in front of the establishment. 

"The entrance used to be so wide." Sehun commented. "Why do they have to put up so many buildings now?"

"Probably because the town population is growing and a lot of kids have enrolled," 

Sehun hummed in response without removing his gaze from the school gate. "There used to be a wide quadrangle that can already be seen in this area."

"Yeah, that's where we used to have our PE classes," Jongdae chuckled as he rocked the swing back and forth. "And I remember hating it because it's sched after lunch and the heat was pricking my skin."

"You still hate it until now?" 

Jongdae rolled his eyes. "Of course! That's why I stay at home most of the time. Really can't stand the heat."

"Touché." 

Jongdae suddenly stood up and grabbed Sehun's arm. "Come on!"

"W-where?" Sehun replied as he watched himself being dragged by the smaller. 

"It's open," Jongdae pulled the school's entrance gate. It's the holidays, so of course, there weren't a lot of people around. The guard must've also gone somewhere as he or she is nowhere to be found. It's a good thing though, as they won't be able to enter the school if the guard is around. 

The changes in the exteriors of the buildings are visible. During their time it's painted with brown, depicting the school's symbol color. Now it's been changed to black and white. The interiors of each classroom also are different now; there used to be wooden desks, now it's filled with metal chairs and a projector hanging from the ceiling. It screams of so much modernity, and like them, it has sailed together with the passing of time. 

They walked through each classroom, reading what posted on bulletin boards, commenting on the school's basketball team, about a flash of memories they had about a school staff or teacher, and other things that made their entire high school years. They stopped by at the gymnasium, their last place on their list, and sat at the bleachers. 

"Wow."

Jongdae remained silent. The place has given him so much nostalgia. This was the place. And he couldn't help but be nervous, making him twist his fingers. He looked at Sehun who's busy taking in the view in front of him, and he's glad that the taller man's not sensing his change in action. 

"Wow," Sehun repeated as he took a seat next to Jongdae. "I really miss this place."

"I know. Me too."

"I miss hanging out with you."

"Me—" Jongdae cut off himself then looked at Sehun. "W-what?"

Sehun pouted. "Don't you miss me?"

"O-of course I did! You were my only friend here before I moved out." He muttered, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Jongdae's suddenly conscious about their proximity, and it's driving him insane. 

"Hmm."

"What?"

Sehun shook his head. "Nothing. Come on, let's go home. The guard might also see us."

"Okay."

  
Christmas Eve came and the Kims became busy preparing for their food and gifts to be shared for the whole family. Jongin and Kyungsoo are the ones preparing and cooking the food, while their parents are busy redecorating their Christmas tree. Papa Kim set up the tree way too early than intended (he put it up right when December arrived) and he wanted it to look nicer, adding up more ornaments, now that it's Christmas Eve.

Jongdae, on the other hand, had to do some work at home for a couple of hours because of a sudden change in their company's marketing campaign. Chanyeol called him earlier this morning about the work task and he finished it off right before dinner. 

He stretched his arms and let out a yawn before turning off his laptop. His gaze suddenly turned to the window. He stood up to check on his favorite neighbor.

He's planning on spending Christmas alone?

Before he knew it, he's already standing in front of Sehun's house. Unlike other houses in their neighborhood, Sehun's house is the only one that looks darker and bland, as it's not decorated with Christmas lights. 

Sehun went out wearing a casual white shirt and board shorts, and Jongdae swore he's swooning. 

"Jadi?" He opened the gate for Jongdae. 

"Are you planning on spending Christmas alone?" Jongdae raised his eyebrow, his hands on his waist.

"I've talked to my parents on Facetime," Sehun shrugged. “Ordered some food already. I’m pretty good.”

"Why don't you go to our house before midnight? They've prepared a lot of food," Jongdae said. “You used to go there before midnight to have hot chocolate.”

"Sure, I'd be honored." Sehun scratched the back of his neck. "D-do you wanna come in? Let's hangout then let's go to your place before midnight."

Jongdae thought of it for a moment then nodded. "Alright."

The two of them went straight to Sehun's room. Nothing much has changed; the room still screamed of Sehun and his love for alternative bands plastered on his bedroom wall. There are photographs framed on his bedside table, one's a family portrait and the other one is their elementary graduation photo together. Jongdae's toothy grin was too cute—Sehun's words. 

"Why did you come back home again?" Jongdae asked as they lay down on Sehun's bed. The two decided to watch some series on Netflix while they catch up again on each other's lives. 

"Well, I'm serious when I told you I'm here to expand the family business here. I also feel like I've lived half of my life away from what home is for me. California never felt like home to me. It's always here," Sehun admitted. 

"It must've been hard." Jongdae said, embracing one of Sehun's pillows. "Living away from where you grew up, starting a new life, blending into a different culture."

"Wasn't it the same for you?" Sehun rested his head on his hand as he shifted his body facing Jongdae. "I mean, you left your hometown and started living in the city."

"Hmm. Yeah, it was hard, but not too hard like how you felt. I enjoyed being in the city. It's not home, but I love the new environment. It's as if I'm on an adventure. I remember you telling me back in high school and you're asking me to go with you on Pot Luck for the first time. That we should do something different. Something that would spark something inside of us. So that when we grow older, we won't be regretting a lot of things. And so I followed that."

"Were my words also the reason why you gave the letter to me?"

Jongdae breathing hitched as he stared at Sehun with wide eyes. "Y-you read that?!"

"I did. I read it when we were on the plane." Sehun moved closer to him. "And I wish I read it sooner. I felt like I did too late." 

Jongdae could feel his heart beating fast. He was not ready for this conversation. "I-I mean, I thought you weren't able to read it." He muttered.

"I did," Sehun placed his hands on Jongdae's soft locks, caressing it slowly. The latter can't help but lean into the touch. "At that moment I didn't feel like it was you. Because you're always good with your words. You always put your thoughts creatively, and that, that was very direct to the point.”

“I didn’t know what to say,” Jongdae admitted. “So I felt like... I should not beat around the bush and just write it directly.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me about it before we graduated?”

“Because I felt like it didn’t matter,” Jongdae said as a-matter-of-factly. “We both knew you’re going away for good, and I didn’t want to sacrifice our friendship because of… _that._ ”

There was a short silence lingering in the atmosphere. Both of them haven't come up with anything to say, but it’s obvious that the conversation has surprised both of them.

“Jongdae.” 

“Hmm?” 

“You know why it never felt like home back there?” Jongdae shook his head slowly.

Sehun placed his thumb on Jongdae’s cheek to caress it just like what he did with the latter’s hair. “I told you earlier—because you’re not there.”

At that moment, Jongdae felt as if time flashes back, and suddenly, it was high school all over again. He stared at Sehun with much love and adoration he failed to show all throughout the years that passed. 

He could still remember the days after his graduation, always wondering what the others would feel about it. Apart from the pressure the post-graduation phase brought him, longing for Sehun was also one thing that made him go through his days with a heavy heart. He had wondered what would it be like having him by his side as he entered the university—would they still be ditching classes together? Hangout on weekends like they used to? Would he stay away after knowing what Jongdae felt? Would he feel the same? 

However, as time passed by, he tried to remove Sehun from his system. Especially every time he goes home and not having any news about Sehun and his family. And removing him, and shaking off his feelings didn’t happen that easily. 

So everything that Sehun is showing him right now is confusing the hell out of him.

_Why now?_

_Do you like me even before? After all these years?_

He snapped out of his thoughts as Sehun stood up, offering him his hand. “It’s almost midnight,” Sehun said quietly. “Let’s get something downstairs?”

Jongdae slowly got up, putting his hand on Sehun’s. When they went downstairs, Jongdae noticed a box of pizza sitting cold on the dining table. There’s also a bottle of wine next to it, which Jongdae could say that it’s an expensive brand. 

“You’re sure you’re gonna have these for Christmas Eve?” Jongdae jokes, making Sehun shrug. 

“We’re going to your place so we can bring them over there.” Sehun said as he opened their kitchen cabinet to get two wine glasses. He then opened the wine and poured themselves their drinks. “Here.”

Jongdae drank from his glass, trying to calm his nerves. He doesn’t really drink much, but this seems like a perfect time to do so: it’s a holiday, and it’s a day of confession of buried feelings. 

No one talked for a while until Jongdae finished his first glass. He cleared his throat. “Uhm, shall we… shall we go home?”

Sehun still has his glass in his hands as he leaned on the counter, watching Jongdae’s move. The latter was feeling conscious about the taller man’s stare; he doesn’t know how to act.

“Jongdae,” Sehun called as he grabbed Jongdae by the wrist, pulling the shorter man closer to him. 

“W-why?”

“Hello.” Jongdae frowned at the sight of Sehun having a short smile plastered on his lips. 

“Huh?”

“Hello.” Sehun repeated.

“I don’t unders—”

“Definitely not a goodbye.” Sehun chuckled as he pressed his palms on Jongdae’s cheeks. The latter could still not understand a thing, but he could feel the electricity and heat running through him as their skin touched. 

“What do you mean—”

“I love you, too,” Sehun confessed softly, before pulling Jongdae by the waist, and then pressing their lips together. Jongdae couldn’t help but shudder amidst the kiss because it still surprised him that Sehun is kissing him. He closed his eyes and softly rested his hands on Sehun’s shoulders as they deepened the kiss, letting their lips lock together, full of longing, not minding the bitter taste of wine lingering in their mouths. Sehun wrapped his arms around Jongdae’s waist, pulling their bodies even closer, with the kitchen counter as their support. 

“I love you, Jongdae. Merry Christmas.” Sehun whispered against their lips as he wiped the tears that fell against Jongdae's cheeks. The latter didn't even realize he was crying. 

"I hate you," Jongdae sobbed, resting his head on Sehun's chest. "I love you, always."

* * *

_10 years ago_

_Jongdae never felt this nervous in his entire life. He thought that a 16-year-old kid like him should not be worrying about this shit, but here he is, fidgeting in his seat as he continuously tap his pen on his desk. His window curtains are closed as he does not want to see the person behind the fiasco inside his heart and his brain:_

_Sehun Oh._

_His best friend._

_His best friend whom he realized he loves more than just a mere friend._

_His best friend who's migrating abroad two weeks from now. Just right after their graduation._

_It was a sad day for them, the moment they found out that the Ohs decided to live in California, but Jongdae, and, especially Sehun had no say about it. Jongdae also thought that it's also better for Sehun's future because he knew his best friend is smart and talented, and a lot of opportunities await him at the other side of the world._

_Jongdae slammed his head on his desk, not knowing what to do. The feeling on his chest is very heavy, so he resorted to writing. He wrote a lot of poems about his feelings and kept them in a box. One day he finally had the urge to tell Sehun how he felt through the poems he wrote, but he never had the courage to do so._

_So after graduation, he talked to Sehun inside their school's gymnasium, where no one could see them. Everyone were busy taking photos with their classmates in the auditorium after the program, so no one would really notice their disappearance._

_"Sen," Jongdae took a deep breath as Sehun waited for what the shorter man has to say. "I'm so glad that we became best friends. I'll miss you."_

_Sehun frowned. "What are you saying? I'm leaving but that doesn't mean I'm cutting you off. We can still call each other. I can send you letters and packages."_

_Jongdae shook his head. "We both know it's not that easy. You'll be busy with college and I'll be busy at the university. I won't be home a lot, and you know that."_

_"So what are you trying to say? That we'll just go on and forget each other, is that it?"_

_"No," Jongdae replied firmly. "I'm trying to say that you don't have to worry about me. You don't have to contact me all the time." Especially after you read my letter._

_Jongdae held out the piece of paper in front of them two. Sehun took it from him, ready to open and see what it is._

_"No! Don't open it yet. Read it when you're at the plane or when you're in Cali, whatever. Just not now."_

_"Alright,"_

_That day was one of the hardest days Jongdae had. They separated but not after they shared a hug, a hug that Jongdae could cherish for the rest of his life._

_He went straight to his room after that long, tiring day. And he opened his drawer, putting out the paper where he wrote what he's supposed to give his best friend. He thought about it for long, but he ended up only giving him the last part of the stuff he wrote._

_And so he read it again and cried himself to sleep that night._

  
_i._

_and if time separates us,_  
_i'd love to travel back to where it started—_  
_where i can rediscover ourselves;_  
_beginning again with new hello_  
_right there at the street where_  
_we used to meet;_  
_and if you're still not there by the time_  
_i revisit the places, i'd still walk like_  
_tourists finding fascination_  
_amidst the loneliness_

  
_ii._  
_i always remember you so well,_  
_so welcome the memories_  
_of us lurking in grocery stores_  
_making each aisle our playground_  
_and how you’ve always reminded_  
_me of wine—not knowing if_  
_you’re good for me, yet_  
_i still drown myself_  
_to you._

_iii._  
_and if you forget me_  
_after this, or even after_  
_the sun meets the horizon,_  
_i hope you always know_  
_you have a room inside my heart,_  
_and the image of you stays there_  
_wherever i go;  
no matter how dark this night would be._

_iv._  
_hello, sehun._  
_good bye._  
_i love you._

_— kjd // 2010_


End file.
